Esme and Olaf Christmas Story
by Hanna Squalor
Summary: A comical story about Esme and Olaf in secreat identities in the suburbs. Can they fit in during the christmas season?Sexuality and Language
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own none of the charaters in the story.

Summary: Esme and Olaf are hiding out in the suburbs using fake names. Christmas hilarity. Sexual references and language.

"A bit to the left. More… more… more… Stop! Left!" Esmé yelled. "Can you bring it up a little higher?"

"Not unless you want me to fall on you." Olaf yelled back.

"Just do it." she ordered. Sure enough as soon as he leaned to pull the strand up and pinned it on, he lost his footing and landed in a large snow bank out side the house. Snow showered down onto Esmé. "You got snow in my hair!" she squawked.

"Unless you come help me with my back I'm going to leave you out in a snow ditch somewhere." Olaf threatened.

"Okay, okay. But you stink at putting up Christmas lights." Esmé pulled him out of the snow.

So here is where you the reader sit wondering, where is Hanna going with this E and O x-mas fic?Well I tell you that this is nothing like my last Christmas story called A perfect Christmas or whatever it was. This time we join our favourite incompetent villains in hiding. Forget anything you've read in the last few books. Lets go back to the after book six but before book nine time frame. Pretend that they are still happy together and there is no Carmelita ruing their relationship and there is no annoying orphans here to focus the plot on.

So these two are hiding because they are wanted for oh say…fraud murder….excreta… These two have purchased a house, a little red brick house in the suburbs. Awweee… They've taken the names Molly and Fred Jeston. A pair of newly weds. Fitting in has never seemed so hard. I mean lets look at them now. Olaf is wearing a normal winter coat and hat. Esmé's got a brown sued coat with a light fur on the collar and a stripped hat with a tassel. What a pretty picture. Let get back to the story because the author is rambling.

Olaf walked into the house after a very painful episode of Esmé having to crack his back out for him. He shed his out layers and hung them up. A pleasant smell of cookies in the oven was flooding the house. Esmé was baking. They were going to a party at the Joneses across the street. Esmé dawning a black skirt and pink blouse covered with a apron brought in a tray of cookies. "You are having way to much fun playing this character." Olaf said.

"Try one hunny." Esmé suggested holding out a cookie. Olaf bit into it. It was good until he crunched down on what he could only assume was a piece of eggshell. Esmé's cooking left something to be desired. "what do you think?" she asked the inevitable question.

"Good. They would be better without the eggshells." he answered honestly.

Esmé tossed herself into a chair and set the tray on the coffee table. "I can't stand this. I can't bake. I can't clean without breaking picture frames and I can't wash dishes without breaking a nail." she whined.

"Well you can do that thing where you-" Olaf started.

"Don't start O. I wasn't talking about that." Esmé sulked. Dutifully he got up and sat on the arm of hr chair.

"You'll be fine. We'll just bring chips and dip to the party."

"Okay. Are you sure you don't like my cookies?" Esmé asked with a pout.

"Darling. The smoke detector isn't an timer." Olaf joked.

"Ha ha. That's so funny. Anyway lunch is on the stove. It's ready." Esmé informed.

"What did you make?" Olaf asked as they headed to the kitchen.

"Coleslaw. Again."

Lame joke, fake laugh, lame joke, fake laugh and so on. That's how the party went along. Everyone from the street sat in the living room having drinks and snacking. Christmas Eve and this is how they spend it. Acting. Pretending to be a happy couple that was completely in tune with problems like children and car problems.

"So then my Gracie says to her teacher but my mommy says that all the time!" Everyone erupted in laughter. How in the world is this crap funny? They both sat there thinking. Olaf with his arm around Esmé they bluntly stared into the dip bowl, laughing when necessary and speaking when called upon. This so called Molly and Fred weren't the most talkative couple apparently. Molly in her black velvet dress and Fred in his green sweater and tan dress pants.

"So when are you two going to start trying for children?" asked one of the women.

Esmé and Olaf looked at each other uneasily. They would have quickly said soon but they didn't know how long they would have to live here. "Hadn't thought." Fred answered with a smile.

A man sitting across from them piped up. "Enjoy the conception part. It's the last sex you'll have for a long time. Everyone else tittered and laughed merrily.

"Actually we have to be going." Esmé falsely informs them. Everyone groans as if it's such a great loss.

"Off to take our advice?" asked someone.

"Enjoy!" toasted another. Smiling broadly and over exaggeratedly Molly and Fred left the party.

"I'm going to kill myself if we have to sit though another of those parties. I mean a small get together? There are reasons why I host large parties. You have an excuse to not to talk to the annoying people. You have to circulate. That was such a bore." Esmé complained on the way back home.

Trudging through the snow on the curb in front of their side walk the two made their way make into their house. "Well he gives good advice." Olaf mused opening the door for Esmé.

"Ha ha. I mean we aren't actually married. No to mention I couldn't imagine what a child would do to my figure let lone the bags under my eyes after I'd had it. Stress isn't in."

"Shut up."

They got ready for bed somewhat quietly. There was no need to talk. There was no scheme to plan, no orphans to chase. No discussing what time they needed to get up in order to get in disguise before they started the days work of treachery.

Olaf had recently taken to sleeping in pj pants. Looming around in one of Esmé's old suitcases full of out things that were eventually coming back in he tried them on once and fell in love with comfort. This for the man who had spent most of his adult life getting drunk and then sleeping in his clothing.

He turned around to find Esmé sitting on the end of the bed in a short white nightgown. "Do you think we can look fit in enough to stay hidden?" she asked.

"Of course. We'll develop a character that isn't so social. Ones who stay at home and read the newspaper while his wife dose other things at night like reads a novel or brings him his slippers." Olaf suggested.

"You could only be so lucky." Esmé laughed. Olaf came over to her and kissed her.

"Molly and Fred should be that neighbourhood couple that gets loud at night. You know, the ones that leave their windows open when they're-"

"No!" Esmé said with a laugh. "No way." He grabbed her by the waist sliding her back to the head board across the black taffeta be spread. "We could be the ones that have obscene arguments in the morning everyday. The ones everyone watches from the window." She suggested.

"No, it requires getting up too early." Olaf said before kissing her again. Esmé reached over and turned out the lights.

"Darling…that's my nose."

"I knew that." he said sheepishly in the dark.

"And that was the sound of my head against the head board. I dare say your losing your touch." Esmé laughed rubbing her head.

"Shut up."

"Morning darling." Esmé trilled. She jumped on him happily.

"Um…ouch." Olaf complained rolling over trying to escape this girl that was jumping on him so early in the morning. "I hate morning people!" he groaned.

"Hunny muffin! Get up! I'm dying to know what the present you got it. It's been sitting here all smug in it's silver paper for days! Please darling!" Esmé pushed on him vigorously.

"Well your present to me should be another hour in bed." Olaf suggested.

"Okay I'll let you go to bed an hour early tonight." Esmé joked pulling the covers off him.

Olaf still laid still in bed for a moment before grabbing her and pulling her back onto him. "You are such a pain." he said.

"Let me go. I'll get you a cup of coffee." He released her immediately sending her tumbling off the bed to here she had dropped the blankets.

A few minutes later he had his coffee and he and Esmé were in the living room. "Okay okay I can't wait anymore!" Esmé grabbed her present out from under the tree. There was two or tree under there for each of them but this had been mocking her for the longest.

Watching Esmé tear off the paper Olaf commented "Aren't you supposed to get over this whole opening presents thing after you turn ten?"

She was too busy opening the velvet box to hit him. Inside sat a silver chain on which was an eye made of several expensive jewels a sapphire made the colour in the eye and the white diamonds on the out side and a black diamond pupil. "Olaf it's stunning." Esmé said quietly.  
"Not quite as stunning as you." Olaf responded as if they were in a romantic novel. Not that it mattered since Esmé read them all the time anyway. Esmé hopped up and handed him a present to him with a kiss.

"Open it." Esmé instructed with a grin.

Olaf pulled a ribbon and sent all the wrapping paper to a pile on the floor. "Ah a new watch. Real gold too."

"You old one stopped keeping time ever since that episode with the water fountain." she smiled.

A knock on the door sounded. Olaf pulled himself up from the couch and Esmé followed. "Howdy Neighbours!" Greeted Phil. One of the men from the party.

"Merry Christmas!" chimed his wife. Esmé crossed her arms across her chest in an attempt to hide her revealing nightgown.

There was a good thirty seconds of awkward silence before, "Won't you come in…".

They came in and took off their layers on snow covered clothing. Esmé scurried up stairs to put on something that wasn't see though.

"So neighbour? Get any good presents?" asked Phil.

"Yes, a gold pocket watch." Olaf answered. Phil looked at the watch in his hand for a moment. He didn't seem to understand.

"You collect antiques?" he asked.

"No." Olaf answered. It took forever for the silence to end. Tick….. …… Tock The neighbours didn't seem to realise that there were people that didn't wear digital watches. Esmé came back down with a house robe on. The neighbours took her in as if it were odd to wear a pink robe with feathers in the edges.

"What a nice robe, Molly." commented Phil's wife after a moment of staring. They all took a seat on the couch and made small talk. "What an odd necklace, Molly." came another comment after the wife spotted the jewellery Esmé had just opened. "What does the eye symbolise?" she asked.

"Uh…." Esmé started.

"It's…" Olaf tried.

The neighbours stared at them expectantly. Olaf bit his lip for a moment. "Ah what the hell. It's a logo from a secret organization that we both used to work for before we left after murdering and burning down several of our co workers and their houses." Olaf said with no hint of a smile.

They both laughed a lot. "You guys are hilarious!" Phil laughed tears welling up in his eyes.

His wife stopped laughing eventually and said. "Phil we really should be getting to your parents house. Molly and Fred you two enjoy the fruit cake." she said as they got dressed again.

Olaf got up and followed them to the door. "Well now that you guys know about the organization we're gonna have to kill you and burn down your house." he said with a smile.

The neighbours erupted in more laughter. They left tears on their faces. Olaf closed the door behind them.

"You know we actually have to you know." Esmé said.

"I know. This is my plan on how we're getting rid of the Christmas tree."

I hope you liked it. Please Review. I have a short E and O Christmas fic about shopping as the second chapter if you liked this read it too.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story.

Summary: E and O do some chrismtas shopping.

Christmas Shopping.

"I'll try and make this as painless as possible, hun." Esmé promised. People brushed past left and right in the thick crowd.

"I've been in several violent occurrences and I can honestly tell you that Christmas shopping is never painless. Being stabbed is mild." Olaf said sarcastically, while he pushed the cart along beside Esmé.

"Well… okay but we have a lot of things to get and a short amount of time to get it in. do you have your coupons?" Esmé asked, dead serious.

"Yes. For the tenth time, stop humiliating me by asking me that." Olaf said grumpily.

"Now most stores will have a family limit of six or seven of one item so we'll have to split up and go in through separate doors." Esmé instructed.

"You've got to be kidding me. What in the hell do we need six or seven of?" Olaf asked looking at her incredulously.

"You never know. In fact if I want to tell you something about an item I'll tell you in Sebald code." Esmé said still completely serious.

"We'll start with your aunt. There's a pink china set in that store over there. Can you get it while I get a bathrobe for my cousin." Esmé didn't wait for an answer she didn't need once since there wasn't an option.

Olaf was left alone. Alone in the mall without Esmé as a guide. He saw the tea set. He moved closer. She reached for it. It was the last set. His hand wrapped around the side of the box when a blinding pain side him from the side. "It's mine you nasty youngin!" shouted the women wielding the umbrella that had hit him.

"Over my dead body you old cow!" Olaf knocked the short fat old lady out of the way and set the delicate set in the cart and headed to the cash to pay for it.

The old woman wasn't so easily blindsided. She was after him in a shopping cart race. People dove to get out of the way. "You'll never catch me you hag!" Olaf screamed kicking down a display of board games to get ahead. Throwing money at the clerk he was out and in the safety zone in-between the stores.

Esmé came up holding a bath robe. Slightly out of breath but none the less the smart shopper. "Oh good. I underestimated you." Esmé nodded proudly when she saw that he had the tea set in the cart. She wiggled the box. "Not even a broken dish. I commend you. You're pretty good for a first timer."

"I believe I've said the same to you before." Olaf said thoughtfully.

"Yes. Yes, you did." Esmé mused as they continued on through the mall. "So now we need something for my uncle and something for your cousin Doug." Esmé said more to herself than to him.

"I think he'd like that new movie that just came out." Olaf suggested.

"Oh, well we can get that now. In there." Esmé motioned to a store.

"You mean that place that is just teaming with people and everyone is packed in so tight your liable to accidentally get pregnant?" Olaf asked.

"Yes."

"Bring it on."


End file.
